I need to stop coming to work sober
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
