When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
