Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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