after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
