I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
