The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I want a musical about memes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
