The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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