I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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