I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
