I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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