I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
