I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
