Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
