I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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