dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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