be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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