So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i think i just lost a toe
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
