mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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