So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
