I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
