dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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