In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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