I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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