My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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