Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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