just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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