i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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