based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
