oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
