he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
