Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
