Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
