Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
