Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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