You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
