Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
