My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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