So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
