he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
