The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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