I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
