You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
