By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
