im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
