My sheets look like a crime scene.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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