dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
