how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
