my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
