I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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