Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
