Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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