He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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