I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
